October 18
High Places
There’s a story in 1 Kings about a king and his son. The bible says that both walked blamelessly in the eyes of the Lord and followed God closely. However The bible says that neither the king nor his son after him took down the high places where people would make sacrifices and worship pagan gods. This got me thinking. Is it possible to follow God. Walk blamelessly. Do all the right things. Find favor with him…Yet still neglect some of the high places that remain in our lives? Is there sin or dark spots I leave un-dealt with?
One thing I know is if there is a story written about my life, I dont want it to say he followed God …but there was that other thing…
October 8
ohio
It’s 5:11 am and I’m waiting for my flight to board home to Portland so I thought I would write down some of my thoughts from being home in Cleveland. Even though burying my grandma was hard, it was incredible to spend time with my family and share memories of her and our times together. Ohio is gorgeous in the early fall as the leaves are just beginning to turn and the air cool so I spent as much time as I could soaking it in. I think what I tend to do is make appointments, see things and visit people out of an unseen obligation but this trip was different. I don’t know if it was the emotional exhaustion or the constant reflecting of the past but I just wanted see and be with the people I love and enjoy it. True to herself in life my grandmas death wasn’t a stress or burden to anyone. It was like her last gift to us to be able to reflect and remember and celebrate who she was peacefully and spend time together as a family. The thing about a life lived well is that even after it’s over it continues to spread contagiously. This is what she did to us. Even after her death she continues to bind our family together and bring us joy. I think the best way to be remembered isn’t just through some thoughts or pictoral memories but through the genuine life yours continues to produce.
October 1
My Grandma Died today..
She died this morning the first day of October. I spent the day trying to recall every memory I had with her and trying to relive the feelings that created those memories. I know she lived a long life but I wish she didn’t have to go. Jamie and I were planning on seeing and spending time with her a month from now in November. We would have gone out to breakfast and she would have made us dinner and told us about everything that had happened in the last year. Now it’s too late for that. The death of some one close to you is strange because the first thing that happens is you begin to experience regret which leads to sorrow. the moments like when she fell and broke her wrist on my 5th birthday and I continued to play with the police car she gave me as a present while my mom drove her to the hospital. How I should have called her more after I moved west just to tell her I miss her. I don’t want to live here though, in regret. I’d much rather thank God for her life and the way she impacted mine. Always caring, Always worrying, always always always loving. She was a great woman. I know a lot of people die everyday but I loved this one and I loved her a lot.
September 27
Time For Fall
I love autumn. It’s a transition season. Even now I’m beginning to smell the summer changing and giving way to brisk winter. Leaves once young and strong are growing tired and will soon begin to abandon their places to create something beautiful like the final act in a drama. It reminds me that this is Gods way of transitioning us and creation. Letting the only old die away to bring about the new. The change itself is not an ugly thing but a beautiful finale. A sign that God is in control of the seasons and foreshadowing a refreshing newness just a few short months away.
September 25
staying hungry and thirsty
So much of my energy goes into retaining and knowing things. Trying to fill up my head with knowledge and my heart with Godly wisdom. It not that i think these things are bad in themselves but I’m beginning to ask myself why. I read the story the other night of Jesus healing some men who had leprosy and how only one of those men came back to thank him. It’s a story i know. So I closed my Bible and eyes and went to sleep. I think what I tend to do is fill myself up so much that i get bored with God. When his word is supposed to flow through me like a river, never filling but always rushing. Freely I am given so freely I should give. It’s almost like Gods starting to kick away the dam.
(Redemption came through a biography that i haven’t read yet. I went to Powell’s and for some unknown reason wanted to look up books on DL Moody, a powerful man of God from the 1800’s. I found a book that was an old hardback and at least 300 yellow pages long so i picked it up. There was a newer version but i wanted to look more intellectual so i bought the old one. I realized as I walked out of the bookstore that I was reading to fill my head again and the book God had just placed in my hand was one of the most powerful Christian testimonies of our age about a man who poured himself out …)
September 23
Forgetting How To Worship
I live my life in my head, constantly separating thoughts into categories and filing them or weighing out the good with the bad and casting judgment on the latter. This is my hobby of pointing out the darkness of my heart and of selfish humanity that creeps into the Christian religion.
Ive been doing this so often in fact that i have created my own religion. this religion feeds and breathes by injustices and progressive thinking. The problem with this religion is that there is no God, Creator or Savior but only me to cast final judgement and to write and mark out the path before me., following no one.
Myself in trying to better Christianity forgot what in means to simply love God, follow him and forsake all else. I want to know God and I want that to be enough. Perhaps this is the process of denying myself to follow him. So here it is.
